Weekly Jewish Wisdom: Giving Thanks
by Dr. Erica Brown
"We begin by noting that everyone agrees that we are duty bound to thank anyone who has been good to us because of his intention to help us.”
Bahya ibn Pakuda
Giving thanks does not come natural to everyone. For those of us who are grateful for the help of others, it is hard to understand why thanking someone else is such hard work. Sometimes it’s a matter of rudeness; sometimes it’s more than that. Robert Solomon, in the introduction to an anthology of psychologists exploring gratitude, claims that people intentionally do not thank others if they feel that, in some way, that act lessens their own sense of self-reliance. If I thank you, it may mean that I actually need you. Wouldn’t it be better to avoid thanking you because then I make myself less vulnerable?
Bahya ibn Pakuda was a fascinating thinker who lived in Muslim Spain in the second half of the 11th century, His work, Duties of the Heart, is one of the foundational works of Jewish philosophy. He wrote his book, he explains, because he felt that people were becoming preoccupied with matters of the body and materialism. Thus, he directed his readers to the duties of the heart, the inner life. The quote above is part of his chapter that examines the nature of thanks and self-interest. Do we thank people because we value them or because they have served some personal need that we have?
Bahya challenges us to think of people who mean well but end up doing nothing for us as those we typically thank for their intentions and those who benefit us in some way but deserve no attention because they had not intention of helping us in the first place. He contends that there are five ways that people help one another: the way a father helps a son, the way a master helps a slave, the way a rich man helps a poor man to get divine reward, the way that we help each other to gain status and fame in this world, and the way that the strong help the weak out of pity.
Bahya then looks at each of these cases to outline the underlying motives and finds each of them wanting. In each case, we exhibit kindness to someone else because it offers us some personal gain. Even when we help people out of pity, Bahya claims that it helps the self: “His motive is to remove his own pain which comes to him as a result of the anguish and sorrow he feels from the person on whom he has pity.” We don’t like the uncomfortable feelings that pity creates in us more than the anguish we may feel for someone else.
Some may find Bahya’s approach too cynical or utilitarian. Others may find it refreshingly honest. Bahya moves from human self-centeredness to the praise that we owe God who gives us everything only as “an expression of His generosity and loving-kindness toward all mankind.” But even if we were to admit that Bahya may be telling us a sad truth about ourselves, he too, states that the appreciation we have for even self-interested kindness must be given: “Despite this we may not withhold praise and thanks, respect, love and gratitude from him for his kindnesses.”
We are blessed to have a holiday every year that gives us an opportunity to reflect on our blessings and to help us think about the people and events that shape our lives and engender gratitude. We may overanalyze why people are kind to us and attribute all kinds of self-absorbed intentions. No matter. Bahya still advises that self-interest or not, the kindnesses that we experience have to be acknowledged. And what better week to acknowledge them.
Happy Thanksgiving.
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